So, today being Sunday, and having church first thing in the morning, makes for a nice, lazy afternoon. One in which the schedules are much slower. Which can be bad for someone who has way too much to think about.
I've spent the weekend digesting the fact that I have cancer. I've gone through very little grieving or worrying so far. Mostly, I've been way to busy to have time to digest much of anything. Which brings us to today. Nice and quiet, and plenty of time to think about things.
I think I realized that this is kinda a lifetime thing. Blood work and scans, medications (yick!). Possible future treatments. I think I've been trying to sluff it off as no big deal so that people don't worry so much about me. And really, the saying "If you have to choose a cancer, this is the kind to have" - what a dumb saying. I mean, who CHOOSES cancer??
I also realized, at least completely realized, today that the scar from my surgery will be very visible. Forever. Right out in the open, for everyone to see... Now, I'm not so worried about what that means about what I'll look like (although I can't help but think about that at least a little). But I worry more about my kids. Ever since my tummy surgery in August, every time Lucy sees the scar she is reminded that "doctors chop you open" and she has been a little scared of the doctors. Thank goodness we are blessed with healthy children and she hasn't been to the doctor for anything in a long time. I'm hoping this new fear will pass - but I see it being reaffirmed with a new, red, ugly scar staring her in the face all the time. At least I could keep my tummy covered so she didn't have to see it...
I also worry about Gabe. He is so sensitive to my feelings and my needs. He is an internal worry wart. He'd never let you know he's worried, but he really is. He's been handling the news well, but I know he's worried about things. Yesterday while we were driving places he says "Mom, my neck kinda feels funny....Is cancer contagious?" Him? Worried? Yep, I think so... My poor baby. Not even 12 and weighed down with SO much. I hate that he has to suffer in this way. I wish that he could just enjoy being a child, and not be so concerned with my life and my trials.
So, I've done more reading, more research, more "sponging". (My family calls me a sponge. If there is something to find out, I dig for knowledge till I find what I'm looking for, and feel sufficiently informed.) I've read some interesting things, and my list of questions is now over a page long. I am anxiously awaiting my pre-op appointment on Tuesday where I'll be able to ask these questions and have even more knowledge about my personal situation.
Also, my mom is coming!! YAY!! I had kinda given up the idea of her coming. She's been here so much lately, and since I have such a great support system here, I told her that she didn't have to come (I also told her I wouldn't tell her she COULDN'T come!). She and my dad decided that she's been here for my other surgeries, that she should probably be here for the most important one so far. Even if recovery time might be less. I'm grateful for that. I think I'm breathing a little easier from knowing she's coming. What a rock she is in my life. What a wonderful woman. Man, I love her!
So, yeah. I'm nervous and scared. I wonder what this all means for the long term. Heck, I wonder what it all means for the short term too!
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3 comments:
I am so glad that your Mom is coming. No one is better than "Mom". I heard you were at bball on Monday and I missed it. It feels like I never see you anymore! Let's just get together (when I get back from CA)
My sister had thyroid cancer when she was 16. She did have a pretty bad scar for a little while, but now it's very hard to see and she just keeps her hair shoulder length and I haven't seen it in ages! Come to think of it, it's not even noticable, anymore, when she puts her hair up! Hopefully it will be good for you, too. Eve
Hearing about your children brought back memories for me from when my father was sick with cancer (sick? it is the easier word). It was very surreal for all of us at the time, but the memories are all good ones now.
Will the scar be the same as those for people with hyperthyroid surgeries? My sis and my mom both had that surgery. It is an awful place for a scar but fades very nicely after a few years (I really have to look hard to find my mom's and don't notice my sister's unless I look for it).
Enjoy your mom time =)
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