Stop freaking out...

Ok - to those that read last night's blog before they are reading this mornings blog - don't freak out. I'm not a liar, for real. I may make it out to be better than it is sometimes, but I'm not lying, at least not on purpose. =)

This morning is a better day - already! I awoke, WIDE AWAKE, at 5:45 this morning. Tried as I might to roll over and go back to sleep, I knew why it was I woke up, and it was very clear to me what I should do about being up. You see, "the almost ex" has been rather difficult over the last few days. So, I've had that stress added to all the rest. But, upon awaking I knew what it was I had to do about it.

And, I've been happy ever since. I feel more peace. I feel more happy. I feel more capable of LIVING today. Maybe it's just having the stuff I got done yesterday be DONE, in addition to taking care of what neede to happen with "the almost ex". Maybe it's just a new day. All I know is I hope it lasts! =)

And, I'm not lying. =)

So, I'm a liar....

If I tell you I'm fine...I'm probably not. I might be - but chances are, I'm lying.

Today has been a DOOZY of a day. Total emotional mess. On the up side - I've gotten a lot of things done. Some things I've been procrastinating on purpose, some things I've just not gotten around to. The newsletter and calendar for Relief Society are almost done, just need a bit of final touch ups before I print them up and run off a zillion coppies. This was a big load off, as I was really not feeling up to doing it - but I bit the bullet today and tackled it - and I feel SO much better about it. That and the notebooks (all 3) that I've neglected to update and make nice all month. I also got bills paid (which both makes me feel good and depressed all at the same time). See - things that make me feel a bit better now that I don't have to think about them again for a while.

I've felt SO emotionally drained this last couple of weeks. I'm frusterated by my lack of grattitude and inability to find blessings....I'd gotten good at it, but I've kinda lost it this last little bit...I'm getting overwhelmed by the little things, and it worries me. I'm finding less joy in things I used to like. Less joy and more of a desire to just crawl in a hole...

I'm more cranky with the kids - and heaven knows they've suffered enough this year. That adds on the guilt...which of course doesn't help.

So, lets get something straight - I'm not a hero. I'm not a good example. I'm not handling this so great...I don't want to be looked up to. I just a crabby 'ol, cranky, grumpy tired-of-being-stuck-in-this-mess, mom.

And, while we're at it, let's get something else straight (for those that need it) - I love you guys. I really really do. Please, PLEASE don't feel jilted if I'm not up for talking. Please don't be offended if I'm not good about calling you back. Please don't hate me if I don't want to talk about how I feel, or what I'm going through. I love that you care about me. I'm thrilled that you want to know how I am. But please try to understand if I'm just not up for telling the story for the millionth time...

Lots of nothing

So - there's lots to say, but nothing really that I want to say out loud...I'd sound like a whiner anyway -so I just won't.... Needless to say, it's been a difficult week. I'm tired - more than normal. I've been horribly overwhelmed - and if I could, I'd drop everything and move home right now... I've had less and less energy as the days go on, I've been less and less patient with my kids...I've yelled way way way too much this week...Having Gabe be at a stage where he's challenging almost everything I say is difficult - I'd imagine under any circumstances it would be difficult, but this week it's been especially tiring....I'd ask for help, but really, there isn't anything anyone can help with yet.

Added to all of that, the kids have strep. I took Gabe and Lucy to the docs on Friday. BJ started feeling it yesterday. A bunch of doses of good ol penicillin and they're feeling better. I'm sure my body is fighting it off as well, which adds to the tired feeling. I spent the day on the couch (so far) but have to get up and do dinner and Ball practice. Time to put on the "fine" face and go out and face people. Tomorrow I have my 4 week check up at the surgeon's office. Then, next week I start the diet and stop the meds - and actually go hypo...I was worried about it before, but it just CAN'T get worse...I don't know that I could do worse...

Ok, so I said more than I wanted to I guess....I hope I don't come off whiny. I'm just tired, and overwhelmed. It'll go away, right?

I'm at the computer??

for real? I suppose so. Yippie!! A moment to sit and breathe and just BE!

Things are going good here. I can't remember what I last updated about...I suppose I should have re-read my own stuff to know what I wrote - but I'm too lazy at the moment to go do that.

This week has been full of ups and downs. I'm so busy with life that it's surprising. One would think that I'd be used to it by now...I realized today that I've only been to play basketball with the girls a few times (like 2, maybe 3) since THANKSGIVING!! Do you know how long ago that was?? Even though it really feels like yesterday? I really miss it. I could have gone today and been late (BJ had an eye doc apt. this morning), but I needed to catch up on the "just being" time.

So, health news? I've got treatments scheduled for the 17th -I do think that is what my last update was about, so I won't ramble on about that. I start the LID (low iodine diet) and stop taking the thyroid meds on the 3rd - whee fun. Other than that, I'm healing up nicely, only feeling partially hypo currently. Should have seen me last night at Presidency meeting though...I'm sure I sounded ridiculous. I tripped over my words way too much, and didn't feel like I made a whole lot of sense in just about everything I tried to say. I couldn't even write like normal...which is bad when your the secretary and in charge of taking minutes for the meeting! Like, for example, when I tried to write that Carla Palmer was going to be a speaker at our Enrichment meeting coming up - I tried to write it Paula Calmer...and then had to stare at it for a bit to figure out why it wasn't right, and how to fix it. (and there's no way I'd publish this without a handy dandy spell checker!)

Other than health news: The kids are LOVING the new computer. Lucy is having a good time with a few little games, and the boys are enjoying using it too. I have yet to tell them I have installed Power Point...they'd asked me months ago if I had it, and I didn't at the time. I need to remember to tell them it's on here now. I guess they've both learned about it in school. I, on the other hand, have never opened the program... Maybe I'll have them give me lessons.

BJ is doing wonderful at basketball. I love going to the games. And I even love that the rest of the mom's comment that I'm loud, and the team cheerleader. I don't know for sure if they mean it in a good way or not - but what is wrong for cheering for your kid? Or the rest of the team for that matter?? I think I've mentioned before that I go to all the practices partially so I can learn all the names of the kids on the team. I'll cheer for them, even if their parents won't!

Gabe is going to be 12 in 2 months...how in the world did it come so quickly??? I've been counting down for a year I suppose...mystified the whole time that it could ever come - but in 2 more months...it can't be here already!! I have no idea what to do for him for his birthday. He's at that lovely stage where he's not really a kid - but not a grown up either. Toys really don't cut it - but there's no way he's getting a laptop computer, a PSP, or any other high tech, expensive gadget that's on his list either! Any good ideas what to get a 12 year old boy??

And little Lucy...she'll be 6 in 2 months too! Wasn't I just pregnant with her?? How is it possible for time to fly so fast? She has really taken off in the learning department this year. I have struggled with her for 5 years to get her to enjoy learning - or even just LEARN! lol We work often on counting and reading, and practicing her sight words. She likes taking her turn reading the scriptures every morning. I have her read the words she knows (the, and, of, etc) and have her repeat the ones she doesn't. Some of the other little words that aren't on her sight word list yet, like did or for, I have her try to sound out, but they aren't focusing on phonics so much at school, so that is hard for her - although she has shown improvement in that too. I'm beginning to worry less about her in school.

So - another book written, are you bored to tears yet?

To my friends that I haven't had much time for lately...(especially the one who called to catch up with me last night while I was making dinner, and I had to cut her short since I had chicken goo all over my hands and had to have dinner in the oven on time so I could go to Pres meeting and the boys could get to scouts)...I do love you - and miss talking with you. I'm sorry I'm such a busy mess at the moment. Please forgive my lack of attention to you as I struggle with keeping my life, my mind and my family together. I haven't forgotten you, I just don't have the time to keep up with everything.

Happy Valentine's Day!

To all you sweethearts out there - I hope you have had a wonderful day - and that you truley treasure what you have. Don't take it for granted.

Today has been a decent day. I expected it to be much harder than it was. Turns out I didn't really even think about me. I was excited for the kids and their parties. Then Lucy came home - and was kinda on the quiet side...she didn't want lunch even. So, we cuddled up on the couch for a bit - and she felt like she was burning up. Since my thermostat is SO off still, I always second guess myself. But, the thermometor confirmed - it's a fever. Thrills! So, we spent the afternoon cuddled up on the couch. It was kinda nice actually - just me and her. I even got a bit of a nap (which never happens!).

When the boys got home from school they showed me their loot -they all 3 made out pretty good. I'm surprised how many kids give out candy with their valentines. Anyway, a bit later as we're having dinner, getting ready to be off to BJ's basketball game, Gabe says he's not all that hungry (for one of his favorite dinners). Long story short - he's got a fever too! He was mad at me that I wouldn't let him go to the basketball game...

I decided that since 2 of us are already sick and that the other 2 of us won't be far behind that tomorrow is a day off. I'm not setting the alarm clock, I'm not waking up, I'm not waking up the kids.

Also, the almost ex gets back into town tomorrow after a 2 week trip. I've enjoyed the time off from the extra stress and I'm not looking forward to having to interact with him again...but, such is I suppose...at least it isn't for too much longer since he leaves again on the 6th for 3 months.

Anyway - I hope you guys have all had a wonderful day - that you're not running a fever! - and that you treasure what you have in your life!

I'm a slacker....

So I totally feel like a slacker. I haven't written in a long time - which makes me feel like procrastinating even more, since I don't know what to write about. So much has happened (and yet not) in the few weeks that I've not written. It feels too big to catch up on, and yet not right to not catch up on...Silly me, I know...

So - My neck is healing from the surgery. The scar is VERY visible to me, but I guess doesn't look that bad...The steri strips did a number on me - I told everyone they ITCHED, but it never looked bad till the first day I went without them. I have scabs from where the edges were - which of course doesn't lend to the "looking nice" when I look in the mirror. LOL Really, I'm not that worried about it - I just don't want it to completely stand out.

I had my appointment with the endocrinologist (yea! I finally spelled it right!) on Monday. Basically he did a review of what I already knew (thanks to my ability to sponge information from every source I can) and let me know that he would be the one to manage my medications after the radiation treatments and check the blood work and adjust hormone levels as necessary. He referred me to the nuclear medicine department so that I could go and start the process for setting up the treatments. They called this morning. Looks like I'll be starting the process on the 17th of March - which means the 2 weeks before I'll have to stop my thyroid meds and start the Low Iodine Diet (LID). That leads to the lovely process of becoming totally hypothyroid (which I'm told patients refer to as hypo-hell). They said to expect to feel down right lousy for most of that 2 weeks. Then, there will be many, many trips to the hospital as they do small doeses of the radioactive iodine for what they call an upscan. I guess they give a low dose which lights up any thyroid tissue left in the body so that they can see how much is left, which governs how much of the real treatment they give out I guess. All of that seems to be a detailed process, or that's how it sounded when she called me. My mom will be coming again, but closer to the time of treatment. I am not looking forward to feeling like a train ran me over...or asking for more help during that time...I really feel like I have asked people to watch my kids WAY too much - and it brings on a panicy feeling to have to ask for so much more... I know people are willing to help, I just wish I didn't need it so much.

On to brighter subjects! BJ started his basketball season this last week. His first game was so much fun to watch. We got totally beaten (the score was 9 to 26) but our boys played pretty good. BJ made 8 of the 9 points for our team. I was estatic! He's never played before, for real. He's helped on Gabe's team a little here and there, but never really played on his own team or in a real game! It was so much fun. I couldn't glow any brighter with pride over my boy! His second game was last night, again they lost, but again I was so proud of our team. BJ made one basket, and got a couple of fouls. He played so good - especially concidering that earlier in the day while playing ball in the street with Gabe he sprained his right middle finger pretty badly. I'm not sure it's not broken actaully, but since all the doc would do is splint it or tape it to another finger, I've already taken care of that and he's just got to live with taped fingers all day for a while. It didn't seem to bother him while he played ball last night -he just went on like it was no big deal at all! What a guy!

Lucy is very excited it is Valentines day tomorrow. Her class is having a party and I took her to Safeway last night to pick out the cookies we were assigned to bring. She's made out some fun Tinkerbell valentines for her friends and is anxious to give them out.

Last but not least: The whole family is excited about our new computer! I've been saving up for a little bit - and with the money I got from selling my parrot we have a new family computer. Our last one is about 6 years old, and a complete dinasaur. It doesn't really do much - and is in the boys room, so Lucy doesn't get to use it ever. It has been so much fun the last few days teaching her how to use it and showing her some fun games to play (where I can sneak in some fun learning!! YAY!) If any of you have some fun ideas for sites to let the kids browse on, or play learning games on, could you pass them on to me? I'd sure appreciate it!!

I think this catches us up pretty much...although I'm sure I've left out a lot too. LOL Basically we're alive and well, happy and healthy...well mostly anyway!