Stuff you probably didn't know

So - while I lay there trying to sleep, thoughts kept running through my mind, and I wanted to write them down.  Kind of a "get to know me" post - but for those of you who know me. You might know me, but there are things about me you may not know.  Things I don't share often...

1.  I hurt.  All day, every day.  Years ago I was diagnosed with Fribromyalgia, and although at times I try not to believe it, and most times I don't act like it, I hurt.  On that fabulous 1-10 pain scale, I live at least at the 3 mark.  My neck and back are tense and tight.  Always.  Stress increases pain.  There are other "wonderful" things that Fribro brings into my life, which you can read about here if you like.  I hate to whine about it, because I'd like to believe I'm stronger than that.  And really, talking about it doesn't do any good anyway. But somedays it beats me.  If I tell you I'm hurting it usually means it REALLY hurts.  I don't even talk about the small pains. 

2. I forgive easily.  It usually doesn't take much for me to get over a hurt that someone has caused.  Repeat and/or longstanding offenses tend to increase the time it takes, however.  But if you're sorry, and you say so, I can usually pick right up and start over as if "it" never happened.  Clean slate.  New day.  A simple, sincere apology goes along way with me.  It seems I can't help but be nice to people (even when I don't want to some times).  It's part of me.  This might explain why I behave the way I do with people you might think I should not be so nice to.

3.  I am curious. About everything.  I have a busy and overactive brain that questions everything.  I want to know why, who, where, when, how.  About everything.  Just because I don't ask, doesn't mean I don't wonder.  I have learned to temper what I actually ask about because some people don't like being asked too many questions, or get offended...but it doesn't stop the wondering.  

4.  I am not a quitter.  Very few of you will ever hear about, and fewer yet will ever see me in my "hide in a hole" moments, but if you do it is because I have reached my limits (probably way past my limits!).  I don't feel that I can push through any more.  But they don't last.  Most of the time it takes only moments (and a few tears) and I'll bounce right back.  Occasionally it might take a day or two.  I fight every day to not be overwhelmed by the stress, the pain and the heartache of every day life.  To find the positive. And while my heart/mind screams at me to lay down in bed and never get up it also screams at me to never GIVE up, to keep fighting, to remember how many blessings I have, how many people I love and that love me.  And more often than not, I force myself through things.  I don't lay down. I keep on truckin'. 

5.  I hide my weaknesses.  This seems pretty normal I suppose - but I don't want you to see them.  Ever.  It's part of the "I don't' talk about my pain" in #1.  I don't want people to know I hurt.  I don't want people to know that I'm sad.  Part of it is the normal "I don't want to appear less than perfect to someone" mentality but I think it might just be more that I don't ever want to come off as a person who isn't 1000% grateful for the blessings that are all around me - because I am.  There are SO many - so many that I see and millions more that I'm sure I miss.  I am not a Debbie Downer (that sounds retarded but it's all I could come up with just now).  I try really hard to find the positive in just about everything. 

6.  Currently, I am struggling with more than I feel I can handle.  I have had a few more than usual "hide in a hole" moments over the last few years.  If I am not as chatty with you, or visit as often, or call as often, or whatever, please don't be offended.  It's most likely because I'm not handling myself well. Not that you'll ever really see it - as I hide that pretty good most of the time.  I may appear to be fine.  Normal.  I've gotten good at "stuffing". But I am tired.  My body is tired.  My spirit is tired.  And while all this sounds - and REALLY feels like whining (which I HATE doing) it is true right now. 

So - because, for what ever reason, I was blessed with hours of sleeplessness (it's 4:30 in the morning) you get these little tidbits about me that I'm sure the normal, well-rested me would never share.  Even now I question whether this is just a write to get it out of my system or if I will hit the share button... I'll most likely regret it in the morning (well, really it is morning already) but it's also stuff you should know about me if you know me.  :)